How To Make A Life

From my journal, 11/7/15. Could have just as easily been written this week. 

Sitting here with my coffee, and continuing to second-guess myself. I feel constantly guilty for taking sabbath time for myself. 

Any downtime I feel like I should be doing something productive. It’s become so hard for me to just sit, reflect, and journal – when I know, even when I know- that writing is the most life-giving practice I have. 

When I sit, my mind either locks up or wanders. Neither are helpful. I feel like I’m a holding vessel for all of life’s anxieties. They pile on, one after another until they almost drown me. 

It’s hard. 

Even now, I struggle to find words to put on paper. This beautiful journal wants to house beautiful and inspiring thoughts- to be a holding vessel for holy insights,  ideas and ideals, yes, sorrows, but also joys; anxieties, but hopes as well. 

My inner self is like a ball of twine. I am like a prism. Things that have shaped me, fears that grip me, joys that sustain me, goals that drive me: edges of this prism that twirls around the center of my soul. 

The light catches one edge – joy – and life becomes more bearable. Not to be confused with happiness, joy gives a holy glow-cast to life; and the journey finds meaning, purpose. 

The light catches another edge, fear; and my focus becomes survival. 

Each edge has its day in the sun – a new joy or a pain, a fear, love. All swirling and twirling and catching sun rays together. One can’t mean much without the other. 

That’s how you make a life. 

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