Dear God, It’s Me, Sara

Hey you, remember me? Surely you do. I have a framed ordination certificate to prove it.

I said “yes” to you. I knew fully and yet, not at all, what that “yes” would mean.

“Yes” has meant wonderful new friendships in a gracious and generous church, a mentoring relationship with the church staff, and gleaning from their experience. “Yes” has meant preaching opportunities, sacred intersections of life and death;creative ministry.

“Yes” has meant tutus and 16 children gone too soon over the course of a year.

“Yes” has meant wonderful, sacred and haunting things. And also insomnia, some weight and appetite loss, and a deep tiredness I can feel even in my toenails.

When I said “yes” to you, I knew all of this. But, I didn’t know that sometimes my “yes” to you would feel a lot like “no’s” from  you.

Where’d you go? Or maybe it’s where did I go?

I’m right here, actually. Dodging all the balls I’ve dropped lately hoping they won’t hit me in the face. Still here, thinking back on the long ordination journey and the pastor I lost.

Still here, missing Gwen and floundering in 5 million projects that are equally important.

Still here, planning to find you today. And I will.

I already have. In rest last night, in dinner with a good friend. In coloring mandalas while inhaling “it is well” and exhaling “with my soul.” I found you today in my reading from Ezekiel.

Where the spirit went, the wheels went, because the spirit of the living beings was in the wheels.

Realign my wheels, God, to keep saying “yes,” to go where you go and follow your leading- wherever the living spirit of your being takes me.

I’m still here, waiting to find you in sabbath rest and in the marine life at the Chattanooga aquarium. Maybe I’ll see you in a sea turtle – and learn something about what it means to slow down and be mindful; maybe in a lone coral that knows its beauty lies in the way it complements the entire reef with its uniqueness.

Mostly, I will find you today in gratitude. Gratitude for my journey, for grace amidst the dropped balls; gratitude for others’ patience with me, encouragement of me, belief in me.

Gratitude for my ever-growing belief in myself; gratitude for your call and my answer.

I’m glad I said “yes.” And I’m thankful that in “yes” and in “no,” you are indeed there, and like a sweet spring rain- just what the jonquil needs to burst into full and beautiful bloom, I always find you; you always find me.

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